I was recently counseling a family about an unhealthy relationship, one in which one manipulative party was truly abusing the other person, who remained in his power. In such situations, the victim cannot see how she or he is being sorely mistreated. Yes, there is that overused term, gas-lighting, where the offender is truly nefarious, but it is often, as I’ve written on before, more complex. So, I tried to come up with some movie that they might watch, one demonstrating an abusive situation where a sensitive person is being so injured. I was looking for situations where the character did not see it, but we, the audience could, or maybe, the character saw it but couldn’t do anything about it. Maybe, I thought, if the movie was done artfully, such a viewing might maybe help my counselee realize the plight.
I thought of several stories that had characters like this, in old movies like, of course the original, Gaslight (1944), or the brooding A Street Car Named Desire (1951). And, I remembered the marriage in Woody Allen’s fantastical The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985), the minor side-story of Amelia in Tom Hank’s The Terminal (2004), or, the more recent funny, mock horror Renfield (2023) with Nicolas Cage. I even thought, in book form, of the donkey, Puzzle, in C.S. Lewis’ The Last Battle.
But a movie that came out a few years ago that really drives the point home. It shows a damaging gendered relationship where the damage is done without a single violent blow or even a raising of the voice. That movie is Alice Darling, starring Anna Kendrick.
Ms. Kendrick, also one of the producers, reportedly drew on her own experience to create what is probably the best dedicated film portrayal of an emotionally abusive relationship which she cannot see from the inside.
To be honest, these things often happen along a continuum from bad to good. A man may be wrongfully exercising control of a woman (2Timothy 3:2), or he may be acting as the head that he should be (Ephesians 5:22-33). Or, more usually, it happens along a spectrum of good to bad. That is what makes it tricky to discern.
But let me try. Here are three ways to discern a relationship that tips onto the bad side. How does a woman (especially, here, a dating woman) tell if her boyfriend is exerting control in a bad way? Alice, Darling (2022) shows this masterfully.
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He is doing badly when he isolates her from her family, friends, or church.
Some times call for a couple to depart from any one of these. But these needed steps are not because the guy just doesn’t like them or is avoiding accountability.
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He is doing badly when he runs her down with an abundance of criticism.
She cannot share her weaknesses with him without being crushed. One of the most telling lines in the film is when, at the thought of her boyfriend, she repeatedly mumbles: “I cannot do another thing wrong…”
This is why I always advise women, especially women daters, to ask the whole question: “Does he take charge for my benefit?” Not just the first part. He might be better than me at some things, which is okay, but is he helping me move forward in hope?
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He is doing badly if you never see him repent.
This is where many women come to a sound judgment about the man they are with. (Hopefully, this happens during the dating stage, which is why I wrote the book.) If a guy cannot admit he has been wrong about other things, there is something terribly off.
These may seem simple, but it becomes particularly difficult to tell from the outside if he is socially adept. He may be good at convincing others about how great a guy he is. All of the above may be happening and she will reply, “Well, he never hit me.” Even unwise church elders can be taken in. But wise ones are not. In the movie, Alice’s friends eventually realize the damage and seek to rescue their friend.
Some elements make the movie drag a bit. Many of the film’s scenes showcase three women spending time around a lake. But it is still exceedingly helpful to watch for feeling of imprisonment Alice’s situation engenders. When it came out, the makers marketed it as a “thriller,” which left many viewers justifiably disappointed. Because that is not what it is. It’s a drama of subtle emotional abuse.
I am sad how such sordid stories get wrapped up in many minds with marriage and motherhood. These experiences, all too common enough, can scare women from any relationship with a healthy, confident man. It makes them suspicious of Biblical wisdom. It doesn’t help that online influencers like Tradwives who want to promote intergendered marriage, with all that that means, are often unwise themselves about what the real thing is. Lauren Southern’s testimony is instructive.
We should face these counterfeits without flinching. So, we can examine the differences between the good and the bad. And so we can appreciate the carnage from which many people are emerging. It helps us understand why they may have such a hard time with real love.
Do you know a story of un-realized abuse?